I got a tattoo yesterday…
It’s a sparrow. Which is cliche, I know. But I feel like it has so many powerful meanings. It’s rather small, signifying that it is only a fraction of the steps I will take toward freedom and soaring on my own wings.
I’m really angry and hurt. My life has no direction and I’m painfully lonely. I need to blow off Jackson. I’ve carried on this ridiculous fantasy for far too long. I miss Jacob. All the fuckin time and it makes absolutely no sense… not only did that ship sail, it burned and the ashes sank to the pit of a deep, dark ocean.
"Any dog under 50 lbs is a cat. And cats are pointless."
- Ron fucking Swanson (via loveyourlibrary)
mom : did you eat all the donuts
me : no
mom : why are you lying to me i can see all the powder on your pants
me : thats cocaine
I'm still shaking
but I know in the darkest parts of my heart that that was the right thing to do.
What was I thinking?
What in the world was I thinking?
You know, I had big dreams once. I wanted to get a college education, make lots of worthwhile friends and have all kinds of memorable experiences with them, marry my soul mate, have his babies, watch our beautiful children grow and live out my days absolutely radiating my joy. I fucked a lot of that up. I made one too many mistakes and thought I’d lost everything. But through my tears, I looked up and realized - always you were there. Always you understood me, accepted me, loved me – especially when I was undeserving. You became my new dream.
How could I have believed that there was any chance for us? You are approximately 1,154 miles away from me. My dreams were genuine and my love was deep. But I was an idiot for ever believing that there was any chance my will power could bridge a gap like that.
When I saw your name light up my phone, my heart fluttered and I felt safe again, at home in my own skin. It turned out to be a message from your mom. “So sorry but this is his Mom please stop this, you are way too far from here and this is not real, so understand and please forget him.”
I am selfish.
I cannot forget you. I won’t even try.
I wanted to somehow make it work. But that’s not what’s best for you, it’s not realistic. What she said was true. Except that she doesn’t know me so she was wrong about one thing – no matter how far you are from me, no matter how gone we get my love for you IS real. It always will be. You can and probably should get as far away from me as possible. It’s what’s best for you. But it doesn’t really matter where you go. My love will follow. It’s inevitable.
I’m not stupid. I understand. I understand that there’s validity in what she said. So why is my heart shattering? This pain is so much worse than any I’ve ever felt. I thought I hurt when things ended with Jacob. It was nothing like this. It can’t even be compared.
I likely won’t ever show you these words.
It’s 4 AM on a Saturday.
Most of what I’m typing is both delusional and hysterically emotional.
Izzy says you sent him messages that say you love me too… that I shouldn’t worry, you promise it’ll be okay.
Your mother never got the chance to meet me. It’s my fault, I should’ve come to see you long ago, to meet your parents. Because I love you, I should probably stay away from you. I should pretend that there’s a chance in hell that I might forget you. So there’s more of a chance that you’ll forget me. And move on to have the beautiful life you deserve. The life I wanted us to have together. I should respect your mom. It’s obvious that even if we ever worked it out so we could be together, she would never bless our marriage. You deserve to marry someone who your family adores and wants around. Someone who can be a perfect mediator when your sister is on your last nerve. Someone whose arms you can physically step into when she opens them to you. Someone who isn’t damaged, who hasn’t hurt you before. You deserve someone so much better than me. I love you. More than life. It will kill me to walk away from you and I’m never going to be whole again. But I will do it. Because you deserve the perfect one. It took your mother pointing it out to me – I am not worthy of endeavoring to be that one anymore.
